He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
