sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
