i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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