It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
