I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
