Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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