Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I want her autograph on my taint
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
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