insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
