I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
that may or may not have been my penis.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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