I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
