I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
