Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
birth control should be required to get into college
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize