Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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