Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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