i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
