After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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