I'm jealous of your bromance
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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