My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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