I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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