Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
