Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
