On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
