i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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