I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
