My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had to cum in my sink.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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