So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
