i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she told me i tasted like america
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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