I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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