Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
