I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
