I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
