It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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