my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
