Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
