3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
