Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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