you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
