last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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