My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
