my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he just fucked me for my cheese..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize