You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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