if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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