Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
