After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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