the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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