We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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