Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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