dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
