You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
