There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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