Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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