I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
