I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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