my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
