All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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