9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
