I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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