Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
