Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
