Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
