Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
