Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
