We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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