Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
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