I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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