i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
