dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize