I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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