Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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