I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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