New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
