the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
