You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
