i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
