If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
