I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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